A flash of inspiration overwhelmed me today and I just had to share it with you. The wave of the future, ladies and gentlemen- bike jacking. Now, while I’m always humorous even when I’m reporting my own near brushes with dumbassness and stupidity- actually, especially then- some things must be taken seriously. Peak Oil ( although, you can laugh uproariously at those who refuse to even contemplate the In-The-Rearview-Mirror-Event ), my hair and the availability and price of coffee are all things one simply does NOT poke fun at. We might have to add Bike Jacking to that list of deadly serious issues. In fact, I’m thinking I might need to trademark this phrase and charge each time it is used by the media in the future. I don’t think there have been any reported cases so far, so I might have a shot. Look, we all know and fear bicycle thieves. Those crack smoking lower than wale crap mother humpers steal a brothers bike when it is obviously the only transportation they have- I mean, it’s a Huffy or whatever, not some tricked out five grand bike shop peacock feather status symbol a Yuppie bastard uses to troll for bulimic mates near Gold’s Gym. If you are biking on a China-Mart bike, you got financial issues. You would think others would respect your needs. Alas, no. That is not how the world works. Bitches be stealing anything they can, from an asthmatics oxygen tank to a chemo patients pain pills to a gimps prosthetic leg. Hell, the original Salvation Army bell ringers were there to keep the pennies for the poor from being stolen.
So, you buy a good lock and always use it. So, what are desperate thieves going to do? Bike jacking is the answer. Soon, very soon, most of us will be a-biking. All a thief needs is a sock full of nickels or a piece of pipe and they run up behind you at a natural obstacle like a curve where you have to slow down, knock you on the head, you crash and burn and either unconscious or stunned and the guy hops on your bike and takes off. Come a sudden demand, bikes will be in short supply and hence much more valuable. There are a few precautions you can take. Situational awareness, obviously. And always wear a helmet. Not only will it perhaps help deflect or absorb a blow, you can put a mirror on either side to keep an eye out behind you. And, yes, I realize Rawles had an episode in one of his novels where the character had thugs shove a branch in between the spokes to send him ass over teakettle and stop him. If I remember correctly, however, that was an attempt at the stuff the guy was carrying. If you want to just take the bike because of its value, that is a very poor tactic. Now you are aware- and you are welcome.
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