Thursday, July 31, 2014

bike jacking


BIKE JACKED

A flash of inspiration overwhelmed me today and I just had to share it with you.  The wave of the future, ladies and gentlemen- bike jacking.  Now, while I’m always humorous even when I’m reporting my own near brushes with dumbassness and stupidity- actually, especially then- some things must be taken seriously.  Peak Oil ( although, you can laugh uproariously at those who refuse to even contemplate the In-The-Rearview-Mirror-Event ), my hair and the availability and price of coffee are all things one simply does NOT poke fun at.  We might have to add Bike Jacking to that list of deadly serious issues.  In fact, I’m thinking I might need to trademark this phrase and charge each time it is used by the media in the future.  I don’t think there have been any reported cases so far, so I might have a shot.  Look, we all know and fear bicycle thieves.  Those crack smoking lower than wale crap mother humpers steal a brothers bike when it is obviously the only transportation they have- I mean, it’s a Huffy or whatever, not some tricked out five grand bike shop peacock feather status symbol a Yuppie bastard uses to troll for bulimic mates near Gold’s Gym.  If you are biking on a China-Mart bike, you got financial issues.  You would think others would respect your needs.  Alas, no.  That is not how the world works.  Bitches be stealing anything they can, from an asthmatics oxygen tank to a chemo patients pain pills to a  gimps prosthetic leg.  Hell, the original Salvation Army bell ringers were there to keep the pennies for the poor from being stolen. 

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So, you buy a good lock and always use it.  So, what are desperate thieves going to do?  Bike jacking is the answer.  Soon, very soon, most of us will be a-biking.  All a thief needs is a sock full of nickels or a piece of pipe and they run up behind you at a natural obstacle like a curve where you have to slow down, knock you on the head, you crash and burn and either unconscious or stunned and the guy hops on your bike and takes off.  Come a sudden demand, bikes will be in short supply and hence much more valuable.  There are a few precautions you can take.  Situational awareness, obviously.  And always wear a helmet.  Not only will it perhaps help deflect or absorb a blow, you can put a mirror on either side to keep an eye out behind you.  And, yes, I realize Rawles had an episode in one of his novels where the character had thugs shove a branch in between the spokes to send him ass over teakettle and stop him.  If I remember correctly, however, that was an attempt at the stuff the guy was carrying.  If you want to just take the bike because of its value, that is a very poor tactic.  Now you are aware- and you are welcome.

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18 comments:

  1. Simple solution. Bike equivalent of a Road Warrior type booby trap placed under the seat, to be set off with a remote that you carry on your person :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Spring loaded, greased shaft that will shoot up into their rectum. Barbs optional.

      Delete
  2. I'm thinking that bikes will be used ala NVA-style. Transporting goods.

    Get a cop-type duty belt and open-carry a 9mm. You get bikejacked and then you shoot them. Easy-peasy. Err, we talking endtimes, right?

    I looked at those single-wheeled Chinese wheelbarrows for transporting goods. Bit complicated for this round-eye. Dual bike wheeled pushing cart, maybe? Or maybe the homeless already means tested goods transporting and shopping carts are the answer...

    Gil

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, not end times. Pre-total collapse/die-off, post economic collapse

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  3. Thank you very much for one more worry. I'm a big guy so I had to pay real money for a bike that would not fall apart -not silly money, but beyond wally world prices. Getting it bikejacked would be a real loss.

    Then we'll have to watch out for pedal biker gangs. Welcome to a depressingly less cool future.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. scenes from The Simpsons, Bart biking away from bullies on bikes

      Delete
  4. Perhaps a swivel tri-pod mounted sawed-off shotgun on the handlebars would deter them??

    ReplyDelete
  5. If it accidently penetrates your own anus when you go over the railroad track you'll be gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. When you go over the 2nd track you'll be arrested for polygamy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. what happens if you keep circling back?

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    2. If you keep circling back, you'll end up with some special status where you get a parade, special hiring protection and businesses will have to serve you under threat of being boycotted and shut down.

      Not bad for a little bike around the park ; )

      Idaho Homesteader

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    3. Ha! Good one IH. And don't forget your very own special flag :D

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  6. Personally i enjoy a good jacking.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Golly! shur is a gud idea that you be carrin yer BIG 5 inch boot knife. After doin the cawyotays, yo be slashin at the bike nabbers. Hee haw!

    Next thin ya knows theys be doin rifle and pistol jackins. eew no!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Or think of this... You are riding along and some car decides to ping you into the bushes.
    This happened to me two weeks ago, only I was riding my dirt bike heading into town for some stuff.
    People do not look out for two wheelers of any variety !
    I tried to write up something a few days ago but apparently in my drug indussed star must not have done it right....
    Any who, once again I was riding along at a measly 25mph and some yuppie bitch from Cali turned right into me and pinged me right off the bike. Causing multiple broken bones, a busted pelvis and over a hundred stitches...leaving me unable to walk, work etc for at least six months so they say....

    Think about this aspect of using two wheelers for daily use . the probability for someone blind siding you is quite high.

    Reason I say y'all might think of writing some stuff on how the frugal survivalist might weather the type storm I'm currently going through.
    Abviously all the preps will help immensely

    Was in the process of finding ya a nice boot knife Goldie locks, but it looks as though you'll have to wait awhile now,sorry bro.
    Start thinking about an article on defensive cycle riding. I can help here and there with a few areas. Given that I've been riding them for over fifty years and this is the first time a car has gotten me. Proving absolutely that Anyone can be blindsided, the Doctors are stating that I should have been killed ! Says much for safety gear !!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, obviously I'm glad you are not dead- you are a good minion. Seriously, best to you. Try to think of the revenge as all asswhore car riders are left w/o their beloved cars as the oil supply contracts more sharply in a year or two.

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    2. Sorry to hear that, Spud. It's lucky you're alive. Hope you make a speedy recovery.

      Idaho Homesteader

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    3. Hey Jim....remember when I said "bugging out by bike was a dumb ass idea"? for your same topic article? (awhile ago)

      Do you remember what you replied?

      YKW
      MM

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    4. I make too many wise utterances to remember them all

      Delete

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