Saturday, August 16, 2014

locos gringos 8.3


“Okay, I’m seeing a lot of fire damage.  Black around the windows and a corner there melted in, like that sheet metal just went up like toilet tissue.  That must have been where the electrical went in.  Or the managers stack of porn went up when the sparks started flying.  I don’t see much damage to the back where the warehouse is.  We might actually be in luck here.”
“It’s tissue paper, not toilet paper.  And we might want to think about toilet paper.  You got all those bundled Wednesday newspaper ads.  I don’t mind wiping my ass with Wal-Mart but the wives might want some real Charmin.”
“You really think the suddenly helpless gentler gender will be swooning around in fright at the sudden lack of manly protection and fall into your arms, don’t you?”
“I can hope.”
“I think some rancher gal is just going to shoot you in the balls as she reads your mind from the leer on your face.”
“I thought we were scoping out the place?  In your case, literally.  So what’s the game plan?”
“You keep asking me that like I know what the fuck I’m doing.”
“You’re the supreme survivalist muckeemuck who got me started in on all of this.  You should have ALL the answers.”
“Jesus, Randy, I thought it might be a good idea to have a year supply of food and be well armed.  It wasn’t rocket surgery, just common sense.  I didn’t stay awake all night in my secret lair plotting all possible scenarios of how the world might end.”
“Well, why not?”
“Fucktard.  Okay, let’s just mosey on down and through the open section that burned away, make our way through the back.  All ninja like to avoid trouble.  If any grain survived the fire, we get it the hell back down here and hide it in the bushes.  Just like we already talked about.”
“You, Sir, are an ass.  One little Apocalypse and you are rather short and pursnipity.  It could be a lot worse, you could be twice your age and forced to try to survive the end of the world as an old decrepit cunt.  And it’s mosey on OVER.  We are level if not slightly at a decline from the building, so we wouldn’t mosey DOWN.”

“I hope we meet the owner inside and she IS a cowgirl and she DOES shoot out one of your balls so you bleed out slow and can reflect on how silly you look being so damn happy with the state of the world as it is and WHAT are you doing now for fucks sake?”
“ I’m fixing my bayonet.”
“You want to be shooting up the place, deafening ourselves in an enclosed space AND bringing in more hostiles if we encounter anyone?  I could actually kiss your sour hide right now for recommending such an awesome weapons system-this pig sticker is coming in handy near every day now.  I turn a corner, BOOM, there is that foul tempered cowgirl you are wishing on me, why shoot?  I’m, like four feet away.  Charge, stick, rinse and repeat.  And I mean that.  You need to get that blood off.  I hear that really rusts away metal.”
“You and your damn bayonet.  Okay, not a bad idea.  Let’s go get some grub.”
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  1. how do you not have a career in writing with talent like this?

  2. I kind of like the lg&a story it's a bit odd with the dialogue sometimes but, just how pissed of randy's buddy seems to be all the time is hilarious. What happened to the manager of the office supply store?
    (who enjoys pa fiction a little too much)

    1. Office supply store was another story entirely. Same location was the only similarity. I couldn't get into that one.