visiting family

VISITING FAMILY

Ah, the eternal burning question of how to dissuade a bunch of no good no account worthless oxygen wasting waste of sperm poster boy for retrograde abortion asswhore bastards called family from showing up at the door two hours after the Apocalypse with fat spouses and nose dripping snot flinging butt picking loud curtain climbing spawn and a flea bitten mangy cur of a dog.  Between them they have one case of Top Ramen, three cans of Alpo and their cold weather gear consists of various ghetto hoody cotton sweaters rated down to a frigid 63 degrees.  Now, I’m not going to pretend to know how to actually stop them from showing up, unless you have a long steep driveway that you can gate shut and half the group will suffer heart attacks trying to climb the hill and the other half will collapse from exhaustion a hundred yards in and flop down in a puddle of genetically modified corn syrup fed pasty oozing flesh and die from exposure the first frost.  That is still going to be a discussion for another day because I am still flummoxed by the question.  Just because you tell them not to show up doesn’t mean they will listen to you.  Just because you warn them not to waste the trip unless they can bring supplies doesn’t mean they will have much more than a single bag of white rice as their contribution.  No, today we will just discuss how to turn these vicious vile tits on a bull lard asses into productive contributors to your group once they have barged in and you can’t shoot them ( not being able to shoot family is NOT a sign of weakness.  You have merely acknowledged the coming primacy of tribe and clan and family over other artificial groupings-for good and bad ).

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After about age five, your basic mental grid has been set ( puberty also fine tunes this, but basically what you get at five is it ).  Of course, with all the bad parents out there, and all the bad people in your life, it is nice to know that you can recondition yourself and fine tune your programming better suited for survival.  Unfortunately, the only way to reprogram the computer is through trauma.  Basic training in the military uses sensory overload and sleep deprivation to do this.  You don’t have eight weeks.  You’ll have to take a short cut.  You are going to have to beat the crap out of the husband/boyfriend.  If he is bigger than you, ambush him.  Then, when he is in bed recovering, ambush him again.  I’ll bet when you show up the third time, waking him up from a very fitful sleep, he will show the new permanent fear needed to respect you and your wishes ( you can also do the group “sock party” where the gang wakes up the victim and some hold him down and others pummel him with soap bar filled socks. It does wonders for changing uncooperative attitudes ).  Then, he is to be held accountable for the ladies and kids of his group’s behavior.  Obviously there are some problems with this plan.  Such as, what if only your daughter and her kids show up.  I imagine if one of the kids is a teenager male, you just wail on him to get group obedience.  If it is just an adult female and small kids, that would require another approach.  The threat of violence moves and molds all of us.  It is just subtle.  You will have to bring it out in the open again.

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