Apocalypse Bum Fodder. No, I didn’t just make that up although it does have a certain ring to it. Bum Fodder is, or at least was a hundred years ago, British slang for toilet paper. I’m not sure how they came up with that one. I read “fodder” and I think “cannon fodder”. But fodder is also livestock food- so bum fodder is food for your anus. Perhaps along the lines of, you go through so much TP it is like your ass is eating it. Of course, fodder is also “a consumable” which explains “cannon fodder”. Okay, I’m glad we got THAT one straightened out. It all CAME about as I was reading “Mr. Kipling’s Army”, a short history book on the pre-WWI British army. There was a slang for any kind of military paperwork that was derived from Bum Fodder. It also touched on how the different classes, enlisted and officer, were such worlds apart that they also had different languages. The author didn’t go into detail, but this brought me around to a previous book I’d read last month, a biography on JRR Tolkien. He was of course the Lord Of The Rings guy, but his career was as a college professor specializing in the regions languages and their structures and origins. Anglo Saxons, the Saxons and Norman combination, had two separate side by side languages which eventually merged. Which is why there are so many French words in an otherwise Germanic language. Which is why there are so many duplicate words. And which one you use used to denote your upper or lower class origins. An example would be “muck” and “manure”. The Up Town ones are usually French. Hey, I thought it was fascinating and it did get your mind off an anus consuming a lunch of toilet paper.
Rawles might go down in the chronicles of the post-apocalypse world as the Man Who Gave Us Phone Book Toilet Paper. Hey, it was a darn fine idea. A compact free source of asswipe. And one can go a long way if you use only enough to remove the bulk of the solids and then a clothe diaper to get the rest ( which are meant to be washed and reused, an idea which the bums here at work are unfamiliar with- a reoccurring theme being a fecal smeared sock sitting atop the washroom trashcan ). But I have only collected a few, and the idea that you can only gather more once a year is discouraging. So, while I prefer phone books, I also want to supplement them with a more readily available alternative. Hence, newspaper bundles. I find them all the time thrown into city dumpsters, still held together with those plastic straps. Usually they are the ones with the ads which were supposed to have been inserted into papers. And I don’t find them from the Sunday edition which means no slick paper ( which obviously you don’t want ). One bundle fits neatly into my milk carton bike rack filling it three quarters to the top. That should feed my bum for awhile.
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