bike tubes

BIKE TUBES

Whenever one of you say to yourself, “Self,  I wish Jim would cover more day to day minutia on living frugal or off grid”, remember this article that you probably have no interest in.  You should.  I mean, more than likely, high probability, you’ll end up on your bicycle, like it or not.  I would actually feel comfortable betting any one of you a jelly filled donut that in my lifetime you’ll be full time biking.  And before any of you blurt out “We’re Fracking Fags And We’re Here To Stay”, as you wave your solid brown colored solidarity flag, NO!  Just, No.

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The brown colored flag is because your head is up your ass, by the way.  No matter what color you started out with, it turns brown.  The Fracking Miracle Of Energy Independence is not retarded in the way Pro Gore Warmers are.  You can actually prove anti-fracking propaganda, unlike trying to prove no sun spots equals Anthro-Warming.  I merely wish you to close your eyes and remember the Seventies Oil Issues.  Now flip the math.  As in, now we have the lesser amount of oil produced locally and the larger amount imported.

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As bad as the 70’s were, what you see next is Krakatoa compared to St. Helens.  Back then, we started getting free oil from the Saudi’s ( PetroDollar standard ).  Next, we lose the Oil For Nothing And Your Chicks For Free.  Oh, and don’t forget most commutes are longer now.  You cannot pretend anything will work out well at all.  If you don’t have a bicycle now, Bad Minion!  You don’t even have to ride it, you lazy hump.  Keep fresh tires and tubes in storage, not on the bike, and lube up what needs to be.  I use motor oil for the chain.

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And have axle grease.  Most new bikes have cheaper factory oil on the bearings so you’ll need to fix that right away.  And used bikes probably never had any added at all.  You know how I feel about mountain bikes.  They are ten speeds with fat tires.  I am nobodies idea of a handyman, so I swear by single speeds ( beach cruisers ) to avoid 80% of unnecessary mechanic work or parts replacement.  Yes, I have to get off the bike and push it up the hill.  And it is totally worth it.

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Although good luck finding a single speed bike, used.  All the crappiest crap with junk parts are for sale.  I would get a $20 mountain bike with 26 inch tires and turn it into a cruiser.  My old geared bike and my new single speed have the same interior space between the back forks ( if you aren’t sure, go to Wally with a tape measure and get a base measurement from their beach cruiser ).  I can easily slap on a coaster brake wheel and throw away the derailer and hand brakes.  Now you have a cheap single speed.

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Okay, it isn’t exactly that easy.  There is the issue of the crank assembly and the front tire is a weird non-slip-off type.  And it might just be cheaper to buy a Wal-Mart crap bike and have better replacement parts ready for it.  Although that doubles the price of the bike.  You could just stick with geared bikes-but I hate hand brakes in the rain.  I’ll just say that after a bit over twenty years biking, the issues of geared bikes mechanically and price wise don’t pay for the ease of getting up hills, at least for me.

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Let me try to put this in perspective.  Let’s say you bought an AR-15 because everyone else has one.  You’ll find parts from now til your grandson dies of old age. But imagine if every single one of those AR’s was a $279 polymer AR.  They were all equally useless, even if they were universal.  That is how I look at mountain bikes.  You’re better off going proprietary and stocking deep.  But however you do it, you need bikes and bike accessories stockpiled NOW.  Once everyone needs one the supply disappears magically overnight ( and if you have a bike junk yard, you are sitting on gold ).

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Which brings me to the only damn reason I’m writing this article, bike tubes.  I only use the thick Green Goop tires ( goat head stickers every-damn-where ): 

https://amzn.to/2UyjSfl

You can get them at Wally, but I don’t think they are as well made, even for the same brand ( but this could just be my paranoia ).  Even the better quality Amazon ones are not as good as they used to be ( less liquid?  Thinner? ).  If you want super cheap, but thin tubes, here is the bulk product:

http://bisonbulk.blogspot.com/2018/05/bicycle-tube-26-inch-50-count.html

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Either way, I’ve mentioned an extra super deluxe cheap way to patch tubes I saw on YouTube ( I used to always replace the tube rather than patch it, given the distances I rode.  Until I saw this ).  Blow up the tube to find the leak.  Mark with chalk.  Let enough air out so there is no pressure.  Put Super Glue around and on the hole and immediately place your paper patch on it.  It should dry in far less than a minute.  You can use paper or cardboard.  I like paper shopping bags.  Make sure the paper is absorbent, not slick. 

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And that is it.  Blow the tube back up.  You are done.  Just like what a Green Goop tire USED to do, seal up to small nail size holes.  I only still use those because the tire is thicker and will still resist SOME thorns and stickers.  With a $2 tube you might be patching much more often.  To me, the $7.50 tube is worth the potential of far less repairs.  But the patch itself?  I was VERY impressed.  I torture tested the crap out it to be sure before I wrote this. 

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See, this is why I am Baby Jesus’ Mostest Favorite.  I place myself in the maw of danger, risking being stranded miles from a spare tube, to test out to see if a patch is a good idea.  Yes, I could carry a spare.  Rather, I carry a car size can of Fix A Flat.  And ever since I’ve started carrying it, it is a Voodu powerful Juju instrument against the Merry Prankster gods such as Coyote or Loki.  I’ve yet to get a flat any distance from the town house or the B-POD ( knock on mo-fo’en wood! ).

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Of course, those backpack size air pumps are a curse.  It takes ten times as much pumping as a two foot tall floor version.  And it is all hand held.  That sucker wears you out.  That is why I don’t look forward to an en route tube leak.  Not for the effort of changing or patching, but because of the effort using that stupid ass puny pump ( one of these days I’ll figure out a clamping system for a full size pump ).  I simply lose my wind far too easy nowadays.  Steady pedaling, no trouble.  Up a slight incline, I lose my breath.

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Walk all day, no problem.  Go up ten stairs, lose my breath.  And that damn air pump kicks my ass.  But I was bound and determined to defy the gods and throw caution to the wind and test the Super Glue Patch.  Going to my B-POD is a four mile round trip over pretty bad washboard dirt roads ( and another eight pavement ).  I did that twice.  AND let it sit for two weeks without using it ( I cheated one week and took the Jeep, as the snow made the bike rather dangerous ). 

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I think we can say the patch worked.  One caution, however.  Do NOT use Wal-Mart generic brand Super Glue.  The tiniest hole on the top, NOT squeezing the bottle, and the glue flowed like water.  It was a waste of glue, a lot pouring down the side of the tube. I need to experiment with other types.  Of course, the next time I went to Wally, they only had the expensive $3.50-$5 containers ( paying for the brand name ).  So this will be a work in progress trying to ID the best value in glue.  We know the crap glue works, we just need one a bit thicker.

( .Y. )

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