article 1 of 2 today, c-oven bread

C-OVEN BREAD ( article 1 of 2 today )

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Of course you all remember my rave reviews of convection oven French fries.  And many of you probably remember way back in the day when we last talked about nuke bread.  Surely you didn’t think it was going to take long for me to try to combine the two, did you?  We all know about convection ovens cooking much tastier than conventional ones, and using half the electric plus only needing one quarter of the time to cook ( plus being able to be used on a countertop in places no oven can go ).  My “nuke bread” was a happy experiment that took flatbread and made it quicker and cheaper ( albeit producing a wet cardboard taste whereas a red hot metal skillet produced flatbread of charred ambrosia.  Flatbread is like a tortilla, but is whole wheat rather than white flour and has no lard.  It is flour and water mixed as dry as possible, rolled as flat as possible, then cooked in a few minutes while constantly flipping.  It is a middle eastern thing-much better than most of the other putrid swill produced there like garbanzo bean dip ).

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To make nuke bread-and pay attention as this factors in later- you take whole wheat flour and add a smidge of water.  Thicker than waffle batter.  If you don’t need to spread it with a fork it is too watery.  And too watery taste even nastier than dry ( I ate this crap for years since I was able to use free power at work instead of my propane.  Breakfast and lunch every work day for six years.  It tastes terrible but is quick and easy and cheap ).  Microwave for three minutes, then flip over and cook for another three.  Boom, done.  Homemade bread for a cooking cost of under a penny.  Again, I don’t recommend this unless very poor.  I had to choke it down and was able to only because I both look at food as fuel instead of a tasty treat I owe myself for being such a marvelous contributor to humanity, and the fact I was in training for the apocalypse where wheat is my main source of calories.  I’m all for better taste if possible but it must fit in with frugality.  Unlike most folks I have no issue with surviving on wheat.  I love the stuff and eat it most meals and since I survived on nuke bread, fire cooked flatbread will be a treat comparatively speaking. 

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The day after I put in my two week notice at work, I ordered a Victoria corn grinder ( shop around at the models.  Mine was $50 after shipping but I think you could easily find one for $40 ) and even with bad weather on the roads it was still delivered within four business days.  So of course I had to try it out immediately.  A few clumsy attempts later ( remember, it is a corn grinder, not a wheat one.  I found just a half twist open worked for the course grind, a quarter twist open for the medium grind and all the way closed with a smidge backed off so the plates don’t grind together worked for the fine grind.  It was still a bit on the gravel side rather than talcum powder fine like commercial flour.  You might be able to grind it finer, especially if you sieve it through wire mesh, but course was fine with me.  I’d rather not grind down the wheels both to see the unit last longer and to not eat metal ) and I had a cup of flour.  It was a LOT easier than I remembered.  And I’m now beginning to think it had nothing to do with Florida humidity but my own pathetic physical conditioning.

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The last time I ground my own flour I was working as a manager at a gas station.  You move all day long, but staying on your feet is the hardest work you do.  There is no muscle or cardio involved.  That was twenty years ago ( Jesus, Joseph and Mary time flies ).  I didn’t get the job unloading a semi every week until later.  Since that gas station I’ve had only two years of a no manual labor job ( the casino in Carson City ).   First off, I can’t believe how good of shape I’m now in, fifty two years old compared to early thirties.  It is embarrassing how worthless and weak I was then.  And second, I can’t believe I ate nasty store bought whole wheat flour for eighteen years ( the last two years once I got back on grid I’ve been eating toast from store bought whole wheat and whole wheat with twelve grain type breads.  I had missed a toaster, and let me tell you, a camping toaster-the wire deal that holds the bread in a teepee shape over the gas stove- works for crap ).  I ate on that fresh ground grain like it was the best food I’ve had in years.  It was heads and shoulders above in taste compared to commercial.  And only 22 cents a pound! ( a fifty pound sack of feed store wheat was down to $10.99!!!  Buy now!!! ). 

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First off, since the wheat is so crumbly, you need to nuke it first.  I tried adding a bit of white flour but it didn’t help.  I microwaved the bread, prepared just like nuke bread, but only cooked for 30 seconds on each side.  That cooked it just enough to hold it all together nicely.  Then I threw it in the convection oven for four minutes per side.  Nine minutes total bread.  And delicious!  Now, you can experiment.  A bit more microwave time to less C-oven time.  And you do need healthy teeth for this ( just regular nuke bread, probably a bit less than three minutes per side, say two to two and a half, will give you gooey soft bread if you have Crack Smokers Teeth.  All looking like you went to an orphanage in Great Britain and such ).  This is a bread without leavening, a flat bread.  Just flour and water.  If you need poofy bread, light and fluffy bread, this isn’t for you.  Otherwise, this bread kicks ass.  Come on!  You know you want some!  Yes, price considerations on purchasing a convection oven apply, just like with the French fries.  But if available…

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