pimpin ride

PIMPIN RIDE

Ah, the pimpin ride.  While the rest of you are sitting back in leisurely splendor in climate controlled stupors, desperately hoping the end of the month will never role around since your sheet metal and plastic covered combustion engine payment of $500 is due, along with the $123 insurance, the gas station credit card at $336, and a new bottle of spray and wash since you spilt a Starbucks latte on the upholstery, which almost brings you to a cool one grand a month, but you STILL look condescendingly out your side view at me huffing and puffing along dripping wet from the rain, legs splattered with mud, I flip around your fecal stained attitude and say, screw you one and all ‘cause I don’t have to work for the man for my transportation.  I KNOW you look away slightly guilty and feel like a very small mouse turd right about then, I just can’t prove it since you went by too fast.  Okay, FINE!, you’ll have the last laugh as I’m flattened by a drunk distracted by a cell phone.  Or, will you?  Ha!  Take that you bastard, I was killed in that traffic accident before I got really old and got rectal cancer, unlike you, so who’s laughing now?

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Okay, I know most of you don’t pay that much for a vehicle.  You buy a used hunk of crap and fix it yourself and the insurance is a lot lower since you don’t finance.  But, actually, I’m STILL not envious.  I get my exercise which keeps my back toned which eliminates any problems with my curvature of the spine ( two and a half years in High School wearing that brace, to explain the beginning of my dislike for society ), I get my fresh air and I’m in a town that is relatively safe at short speeds ( knock on wood ).  Eight years and I’ve only had one serious near-incident ( again, spastically hammering on wood as my knuckles crack and bleed, so as not to temp the gods into punishing me for hubris, or passivity, or dropping my guard or assuming, or just because they are bored ).  But mostly I enjoy riding my bike, even in winter when it is ten degrees below zero-that’s Fahrenheit to all you metric weenies- because every turn of the pedals I hear the opening of the Pink Floyd song with the cash registers ringing.  It is financial freedom.  Well, of course, along with no rent, or rent so low it might as well be zero, to be more exact, now.  But even if you are stuck with rent, no car gives you way more options than your fellow workers.  But, I better stop there, in case you all grow even more, impossibly more, envious and jealous and then spiteful.

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Today, rather than try to change your mind to get rid of your rolling turd bucket, I’ll just cover stockpiling parts for bike ownership.  This isn’t JUST for the apocalypse, but that can be applicable.  Mainly, you stockpile because if you are your own mechanic, you need all the parts. At your disposal, not sitting in an Amazon warehouse.  Let me give you an example or two of why this is a good idea.  One, Wal-Mart.  If they are the only store open or the only store selling bike parts, you are screwed.  Today, Wally has an entire store chock a block full of hideously low quality goods.  Almost everything you buy, brand name or not, from liquid oil cans that lack propellant, leaving the oil inside, to the condensed milk that is far less condensed than most other brands, to the shoes that literally NEVER break in, all that and more, NOTHING you buy there is a bargain anymore.  They charge more, for less quality.  It amazes me every time I don’t hear of them filing bankruptcy.  But their bike parts, they were one of the FIRST to go to crap, and by the time I understood this I had wasted a lot of money.  Don’t buy any bike parts from them ( the bike is okay, but you’ll need to immediately replace all moving parts, or real close thereafter ).  Two, duh, mail order takes time.  Be stocked up.

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Okay, three.  This one is a bonus.  Bike shops need to pay rent.  I’m all for supporting your local small business owner, and I did for many years.  I eventually learned how to do my own mechanic work, which allowed me great savings, but I was still buying overpriced parts from him.  He was a nice guy and I try to be nice once a year for good karma.  Then one day he sold me a wheel at 90% above Amazon cost and they thing broke within a month.  Yes, I’m sure it was a lemon.  But from that point on, sorry dude, all my parts came from Amazon.  They are like Wal-Mart USED to be, reasonable prices with middle grade quality.  Not top shelf.  You can find REALLY expensive crap for bikes, and you don’t even have to look hard.  Me, thanks, I’ll take less sexy brand names.  I did have a better brand derailer once, when I foolishly owned a geared bike ( single speed is the only way to go, for your 80/20 rule involving price and the learning curve on mechanics and cargo hauling and hands free braking for attacking dogs or gun battles.  They only suck as you push them up hills ), and for twice the price it lasted fifty percent longer.  Why did I bother?  If you still want to support your local bike shop, I’d compromise.  Buy all your deep stocking parts from Amazon and your day to day replacements from him.

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First part to buy is Gorilla Tape.  That will keep your handle bar grips from cracking and your seat from ripping.  I’ve been warming a seat wrapped in tape for the last two years and have yet to replace the seat.  Seriously, the vinyl they use is crap, and even expensive bike store grips break and tear soon.  Okay, we speak here of a 26 inch single speed pedal brake cruiser.  Here are all other parts. 

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Crank Arm 24 TPI 6 ½ .  This is your rod of metal both pedals attach to.  You need another one.  You’d think as long as you get rust away this would last forever.  And it might, I don’t know.  I do know I was standing on my pedal going up a hill and my pedal sheared off, leaving a piece of metal in the crank arm threaded hole ( this after I religiously oiled the pedal bolts to avoid rust.  Well, the water dripped INSIDE the hole ).  Not having any idea how to get it out, not being a tool man taylor, I had to pedal seven miles to the bike shop on my back up bike pulling on my main bike the whole way as it wobbled and crashed into my ankle and leg, pay to get the sheared off piece removed, then repeat the whole thing over again.  It only sucked less than walking the whole way.  You never know why or when a part might break.  Have a replacement.  And obviously, have another pair of pedals.  The crank is around $15, pedals about $10 or less. 

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Next is the Chain Ring.  This is the circle with teeth that sits between the pedals, which the crank arm runs through.  This is the wheel that the chain sits on and is rotated by.  All these metal teeth come new with flat tips.  You keep using the thing until the teeth become sharp and pointed.  I’ve only needed to replace once, after about four or five years.  Call it a good twelve thousand miles or so.  For $7 or so, why not have a couple of spares?

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When I replace the chain ring, I also replace the Bottom Bracket Set.  These are all those pesky ball bearings inside and the sheet metal brackets that hold the crank arm to the frame.  You should have multiples of these, just in case you lose the bearings on their yearly greasing, then you always have spares from when you changed the set.  I don’t know if you can size them and buy the balls separately-again, who am I?  Tim Taylor?  I don’t even know if they would last a lot longer.  It just seemed smart to replace with everything else.  Another few bucks.  One new spare and I keep the old changed out set as another spare.

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The yearly greasing of the bearings.  Ah, what fun and joy.  Now, I’m not commuting to the BPOD five days a week like I used to.  That was putting 3k miles on the bike a year.  Now it is more like 1k if that.  But regardless, once a year seemed fine either way.  I use that auto store thick axle grease, the black gunk that comes in what looks like a old peanut can.  $5 each and I always have one open and two unopened.  It takes a few years to use one can. 

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The chain I recommend is the Ventura 112 Link Chain For Single Speeds By KMC.  Made in Germany, and it seems rather indestructible, ALMOST replacing my lost faith in Kraut quality.  I’ve been riding on one chain on average at least as long as the chain ring lasts, a good ten thousand miles on up.  Regardless, I own a minimum of two sets for back-up and keep all my old links.  At $8 a set, it is foolish not to own several stockpiled.  For oil on your chain, I’ve heard automatic transmission fluid is best, but I just use light weight motor oil as it is what I keep for all my oil needs.  Mainly stopping rust on anything metal.  I’m sure it is less than optimal, but that will also be my gun oil after the apocalypse, when the real gun oil is gone.  One quart at $3 lasts me years of oiling the chain, and I own lots of quarts.

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For tires, I’ve had good luck with Kenda Cruiser Wire Bead Bike Tire 26x2.125.  They go from $18-$20 each.  I always have two on hand, even though I should carry more new ones.  I keep all the old as not all of them had rubber separation but just a hole poked in them.  Rather than ride them until they separate I just replaced them.  This is my weak link right here.  I might have a dozen used ones but only two new.  They do last for a minimum of around five thousand miles, the front tire lasting far longer than the rear ( which takes the majority of the weight ), as long as they are not punctured by anything too large.

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For inner tubes, I have a dozen regular, but those are strictly for the collapse.  I also have a back stock of a half dozen Green Slime tubes.  The regular were $5 each, and the Slimes are only $7, so I’d only recommend the Slimes.  When I use one I replace it shortly thereafter, sometimes needing more than one to get free shipping, but I always keep a half dozen.  These would last as long as the tires, but you never can tell when you’ll get a puncture.  I have one of those strips that go in the tire in front of the tube, and those keep the goatheads from causing damage, but the Slime won’t really work well on anything much wider than those little dried prickly ball plants.  “Up to a X wide nail protection” my ass.  Still, they work better than plain tubes.  I also keep all old tubes and will get around to cutting up one for patches and repairing the rest with those and a bottle of Rubber Cement I store, which about triples my slime tube stockpile.

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For wheels, go with Wheel Master brand. 

Front Bike Wheel 26x1.75/2.125 36H 5/16^th

KT 305 Coaster Brake Rear Wheel 26x1.75/2.125 14 g

The rear is $40 and the front $11.  At the bike shop the rear wheel is $55 to $60.  I have one new one of each, with three used rear and a used front.  The used ones are good for about another 1k miles on the rears and a LOT more on the front.  The new ones were getting 4k miles before I busted a spoke, on 6 miles of rutted dirt road daily.  So I began to change them yearly at the 3k mark.  I don’t know how long they would go if you changed the spoke, or how long the thing would last on smooth pavement.  I know the front goes years and years-almost as good as the Chain Ring.  I’m a bit behind on stocking these wheels, as they were not available cheap for a time ( the price went up for about a year before settling back down ).  I’d say a goal of three rear and one front as back-up stockpiling.

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And that should about do it.  That should keep your pimpin ride pimpin hard for a long time and past the apocalypse.  A lot is guesswork, granted.  You can’t REALLY have too many of most, but you do need to be able to afford so many parts on your budget.  Hope that helps you plan yours.

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