daily ad

Friday, March 13, 2020

bottle bidet-post 1 of 2 today


BOTTLE BIDET ( what TP shortage? ) 
post 1 of 2 today
Running out of toilet paper? That is the third large nationwide shortage to show itself ( after, first, freeze dried foods and second, auto parts ). In 1973, Johnny Carson made a joke about a toilet paper shortage. It was a self fulfilling prophesy. TP had to be rationed and it was weeks before supplies were replenished. And need I remind you, in that year we still had a manufacturing economy AND there was no Just In Time Inventory. Care to guess how many months it will take to get the shelves full again? If ever?
*
Toilet paper is a relatively recent consumer item, and hence more of a luxury. But, ( “Butt!” to channel Terrance Popps ) few of us know of any other way of scrapping fecal matter off of our asses. And don't even suggest to the wife that she has to start drip drying. In the Prepper-shere the main advice for the longest while was to stock old phone books for an alternative. Well, we've known all along there was a relatively sanitary replacement, in the bidet. The problem is that one, no one wants to buy a specialty toilet and a BIG number two ( get it? ) is that the bidet shoots water on your bum at high pressure.
*
Did you get that part? High pressure water streams blasting your ass. Yes, clean and refreshing ass, after. But what about the sides of the toilet? What about your under carriage? I want fecal colored water on my balls? My precious junk? I want a blast of vaporized crap water to escape if my ass didn't form a perfect seal on the seat? I'm not 270 pounds. My ass is a bit bony. I don't think I COULD form a seal. Now, admittedly, I have never used a bidet. I could be wrong about the above. Nor shall I find out.
*
Now, I have years worth of toilet paper. I'm no fool. I plan on eating mostly wheat come the apocalypse. Have you eaten large amounts of whole wheat, daily? Let us just say that this amount of fiber will require a lot of toilet paper. Plus, the stockpile is for me and the NOL ( New Old Lady, for you new minions ). When the Coneheads ( her daughters family ) show up, if I'm not constantly supervising, they will, and I mean this quite literally without any hyperbole, blast through a years TP in a month. They use a third of a roll to wipe the front. They are wasteful pigs.
*
I love them dearly, and these are my apocalypse peeps, but they are going to have to be trained with a sharp stick. Also, as soon as I start in on using my apocalypse TP, I don't think I'll be able to replace it. Society is still functioning, after a fashion, but ( BUTT ) it is going to be a Toilet Paper-less society. I don't think this is the paperless they meant when they were pimping for computerized offices. We will be just like Soviet Russia, standing in line for ration coupons, and government TP made from recycled shredded Top Secret CIA reports.
*
My answer is to make my own bidet. Not one of those cheesy pieces of offal “as seen on TV” clip on units. A redneck bidet. Just like Turd World Africa or India, a plastic water bottle next to the toilet. Take a large ( but one hand held-say, 20-40 ounces ) plastic bottle used for soda or designer water. Thick enough plastic to use again and again, but not so thick you cannot squeeze it. Drain, and reuse as a bidet. Poke a small hole in the cap. One hole. Fill with water and place next to the crapper.
*
Drop your load. If you have any TP, use a small amount to scrape off the solids stubbornly clinging to your butt hairs. Now, turn to the left or right on the seat. Take your bottle in your non-wiping hand, and from a comfortable number of inches above your butt crack ( don't get too close, this is a reusable bottle ), squeeze a stream of water down there. Use the other hand to help the water dislodge its target ( you turn in the seat so that the bottle isn't hitting the water tank ). You'll feel when you are clean.
*
With the water bottle hand, that ONE HAND ONLY, grab your pants and yank it up just enough to not trip over the fabric puddled around your ankles. Lean against the sink so the pants don't drop. Turn on the water with the non wiping hand. Place the wiping hand in the water and then soap up. This is the one time I would not ignore the “lather for twenty seconds” advice. Scrub the top of your fingers rather well. Do NOT have long nails. As far as females and nails, most gals don't have ass hair. They can squirt water first than take a small amount of TP to wipe, with probably no residue issues.
*
As our good minion Spud states, however, most guys are hairy enough that “it is like cleaning oatmeal out of a shag carpet”. Keep those nails well trimmed, guys. There aren't any shortage of nail clippers. Yet. Have extra, not the crappy kind that break. And have plenty of extra plastic bottles. This may or may not replace all toilet paper, but at least it will stretch out your supplies far longer. As far as gals wiping the front, get a few packs of clothe baby diapers. Cut into smaller sizes. Pee, squirt of water, wipe with the clothe. By using the water, the clothe shouldn't smell of pee. Place in a closed can by the toilet, and wash as needed.
*
Good Golly and by all that is holy, you are more than welcome ( and yes, I did try this out at home ).  
( .Y. )
( Amazon clothe diapers HERE )


14 comments:

  1. As a long standing self rule, I ALWAYS take a shower after I shit. ALWAYS. It's beyond my grasp as to how people take a shit mid-day and then on about their business with shit smeared on their anus.

    Ever fall in the yard and get a grass stain on your hand? What happens when you try to wipe that stain off with a dry paper towel? Right. You just wasted that paper towel and got almost nothing in return.

    So yeah, I wipe my anus with shit paper in the morning then immediately right into the shower. EVERY DAM DAY. Without exception.

    My fingernails are always trimmed close as I cannot stand how they feel when they protrude, and since mine are not robust there is the risk long nails can catch on stuff. When I see a person with long nails I always cringe and think about all the nasty contaminates they are spreading all over the place. People in general are some real nasty asses, pun not intended.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I suppose, being nasty and unsanitary in general, the masses can live in the coming swill and filth. Dog bless them

      Delete
  2. Doing it with a soda bottle ?
    Oookaaay...
    First drop trousers completely off.
    Next , do the door.
    Don't pre wipe ! That'll just smear those loosely attached single berries.
    Then just jump into the shower. Bend over slightly while leaning forward. Aim toward turd burgled paradise , with whatever implement ya got on hand. ( Personally I prefer the dial o matic type shower head ) but a soda bottle would work fine I'm sure.
    When leaning forward and properly aimed , all the poo debris will fall right off and go down the same drain the toilet goes to. Done right nothing gets on your legs or toxic old jewels.
    I highly recommend getting regular , so that ya just take a normal shower after the douching process. That way any possible atomized shit gets soaped away and down the drain.

    Of course a fancy Japanese fully auto Bidet with blow dry would even be better lol.
    Guaranteed you go to water and you'll not go back to the Old John Wayne true grit toilet paper. Unless an emergency dump occurs in the woods...thens when paper comes in handy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now, when the water shuts down ( if it does ), the shower isn't really an option. And a whores bath? Best to start with a clean ass. The bottle way is just more flexible in the coming times. Your way is better/more civilized now.

      Delete
    2. We're fortunate that we live in a 2 story house with 2 baths on the 2nd floor and 1 on the first floor. Couple years ago when the pangs of paranoia were starting to run deep I checked it out then went an implemented a game plan.

      The shower on the 1st floor happens to be right under a bedroom closet on the 2nd floor. I always have lots of PVC in all sizes from 1/2" to 4" and lots of fittings. When the time comes I'll use a 1" auger bit to drill a hole in the closet floor and run a 2' long piece of 1" PVC pipe down the hole. The bottom end of the pipe will have a surplus shower head with a cut off valve. The top end, on the 2nd floor, will have a waterproof flange that is attached to a hole in the bottom of a 3 gal bucket. When done showering, fill a 5 gal bucket from the rain barrel and haul it upstairs and sit it in front of a sunny window and by the next morning it's ready. Dump the rain barrel bucket into the shower bucket and repeat. On sunless days the water can be heated by the fireplace. I have precut the pipe and placed it as well as the flange, showerhead, etc. in a designated bucket and sits on a shelf in the garage ready to be used. Oh yeah, also have several 10 packs of my favorite Ivory soap bars in that bucket too.

      Plan to win or plan to lose, either way you'll get what you plan for.

      Delete
    3. Much better plan than "thin cheap plastic solar shower"

      Delete
    4. I have one of those too, I think the 3 gal model, and it's pretty meager. Was looking at a youbtube recently about truck camping and a dude used a hand held garden sprayer, maybe 1 gal, to do his thing. He heated the water on a propane stove then poured it into the plastic sprayer, pumped up the pressure and hosed his self down. I'm skeptical how clean one would get using the most meager of water methods.

      Delete
    5. I used to use a garden sprayer. Works just fine. Like a Navy shower. However, if it is a bit chilly, the spray really cools you off. That is why I went to whores bath ( the trick is a small hand towel instead of a washcloth )

      Delete
  3. I plan on having a haram of young nubile sex slaves that will lick my anus clean.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is a fine plan. Until you forget and accidentally French one. Or have to provide dental care.

      Delete
  4. Humans are the only species on the planet with coprophobia, which is fear of your own shit. Use sanitary practices, of course, but to think you need a body shower after every bowel movement is crazy. How the fuck would these people survive on a mere two week long camping trip??

    Germophobes will be the first ones dead come the apocalypse.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. On the other hand, very few animals are afraid ENOUGH of their own waste. Sling it around like a pinata.

      Delete
  5. Two years ago bought a bidet,
    Hand held, of course…by the way,
    Cold water is bracing,
    It gets your heart racing,
    The results? NO SKID MARKS (Hooray!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I prefer coffee to wake me up. A splash of cold water to the face. Exercise.

      Delete

I must moderate-trust me. Criticize ideas, NOT the people behind them. Be civil. You will be warned twice and the third time just deleted. No N-Bombs. If you disagree with me, you must praise my hair first.