deep fried stick turds

DEEP FRIED STICK TURD

From a cantankerous but hilarious minion, who came up with survivalist hucksters selling you turds on a stick with the selling point being your choice of the volume of salt, I am inspired to present today Deep Fried Turds On A Stick.  While salt is all well and good and helps most of the population choke down a lot of foods that blow chunks-which might be why we eat so much of the stuff- if you deep fry something, almost anything, it makes peasant food taste like a kings banquet.  Not many folks in their right mind eat slimy snot like okra unless it is deep fried ( I think they put it in gumbo or some damn thing, but the whole dish looks as appetizing as a toilet bowl after a case of botulism if you ask me ).  When you try to sell Eskimos refrigerators or middle class quivering cubes of fear night vision goggles so they actually see darker hued barbarians invading their neighborhoods, you are selling salted sticked turds.  That is where the amateurs are separated from the professionals.  They just use fear.  That is elementary school basic.  No class, no finesse.  The next step up would be to wait outside a breast augmentation clinic and grab the first skank whose face wouldn’t stop a truck, throw her in a bikini and have her hold your product in front of a camera.  Fear and boobs ( but NOT fear OF boobs, obviously ). 

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The professionals ignore fear ( and most likely, at least in this industry, make liking boobs a sin ) and step up their game.  They sell a fantasy lifestyle ( a fantasy lifestyle without boobs?  Okay, I’ll stop now ).  In the 70’s, survival products were offered to a slightly lower economic class.  It wasn’t just fallout shelters being hawked anymore.  For the first time, survivalism became big business and it was sold to the population at large.  It went mainstream.  Anybody could now prep to survive the collapse.  It still wasn’t cheap, but it wasn’t just “only the rich are allowed to survive”.  You could, looking hard enough, find someone selling outside that message.  But it was mostly still about fear-mongering.  Not without reason, of course.  It was a scary time.  The innovation then was to broaden the appeal.  The only other innovation seen today is to go back to the time of the suburban fallout shelter and advertise to the more affluent.  The products and product presenters might pretend to cater to everyman, but ten minutes into the material says otherwise.  The main selling point, what is new today, is the fantasy being sold- not the fear.  You are entering a la-la land where unicorn farts glitter and a middle class lifestyle will forever be yours amidst the radioactive rubble if you only spend lavishly today on all the boy boys being offered for your perusal.  Baby Jesus weeps.

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