Monday, January 23, 2017

article 2 of 2 today

( article 2 of 2 today )
Netflix now has "Resident Evil :Extinction" on its streaming service.  Here is my review which appeared in my book of apocalypse movie reviews ( available here ).


Rated R, 2007

Milla Jovovich

Okay, this is more like it. Not just some gay fan boy comic book masturbation fantasy

with zombie boobs and firefights with fully automatic weapons, but all that plus a solid

backdrop of end of the world. Well, actually, no zombie boobs in this one and Milla is

strangely modest in this one, showing no nudity. But it was a kick ass post apocalypse

flick. We still have to go through all the Vast Evil Super Duper Corporation intrigues

and a little bit of zombie action, but it is still solidly in the post collapse genre. I’ll skip

all the first and just concentrate more on the apocalypse aspects.


The few survivors pretty much stay on the move, as it seems zombies can sense them out

after a time and move in for some tasty human snacks. Alice ( that’s Milla’s character,

the mutated human with super duper powers like psi ability and lots of strength and

dexterity so she can be the super warrior princess- kind of like Xena but more along the

lines of a east European fem terrorist instead of an amazon with a sword ) is puttering

along on her motorcycle which still runs great on five year old gasoline which might be

pushing the realm of possibility, but we are after all talking about the living dead here so

we can take those kinds of things with a grain of salt. She gets a distress signal from a

Salt Lake City radio station. Help, our poor little children need assistance. Now, Alice is

still all super warrior princess wary but she’s also a chick so you know she’s going to get

soft and answer. Well, guys would too, but you would think that a super warrior princess

with psi powers would do a better job. But then, we learn later that her abilities are

mutated at a geometric rate so maybe they just haven’t kicked in yet. Although why it

took five years…


Anyway, she walks into the building and an ugly old bitch is in a chair holding a baby.

Now, even without psi powers you could kind of deduce that this fugly bitch is too old to

pop a kid and even if it were possible who in the hell would force themselves to procreate

with this sow. I mean, sure, people are few and far between and you take what you can

get but I’d be beating on the bitch with a two by four trying to abort any fetus. Imagine

trying to love something that ugly. Well, it’s a trap and they take her prisoner. She’s tied

up and one of the guys tries to get a little too fresh, if you know what I mean, and Alice

does a hum dinger of a goal kick on his head and he’s DOA. The others get in a huff

over this and toss her down a hole into the basement where there are zombie dogs in

cages. Take a mean ass dog like a Rott and feed him human flesh for breakfast everyday

and beat him for every lunch, and then after all that get them pissed off and that doesn’t

come close to how mad the zombie dogs are. Of course, she gets all medieval on their

asses and ties them up and anchors them on the floor support beams and they yank the

beams down and Alice runs up the ramp of the collapsed floor with the dogs in pursuit

and the zombie canine eats all the redneck cannibals ( there were human bone litter in the

basement and why else would they lure her in ) as Alice jumps up to the ceiling rafters to

stay out of harms way. Wow, that was a close one!


Meanwhile there is a convoy ( put the pedal to the metal Rubber Ducky, and that’s a big

10-4 ) tearing ass around Nevada. You got the big rig hauling a tank full of gas, a

Hummer command vehicle, school bus full of kids, etc. The commander has the butt

hugger cargo pants, pony tail hair, sunglasses and military style cap a’la Linda Hamilton.

But not as nice of a rack and definitely not as mean and kick ass. Only Milla has that

look, she is made to order for female dominance fantasy. There is the two returning

characters from the last movie, the black pimp dude and the soldier dude. The gas hauler

is a Texan ( who else? ) that drawls and oozes cowboyness. Some real life rap bitch

plays a small part, being pimp boys main squeeze. Of course, early on at a hotel stop to

search for gas and food and ammo pimp daddy gets bit by a zombie as they are clearing

out rooms. Soon afterwards rap bitch gets pecked by hundreds of zombie crows. So, true

to Hollywood by-laws, the African-Americans are some of the first to die. Don’t ask me

how they allowed him to survive for a sequel.


The convoy is attacked the next morning by all those crows. Since they have been

chowing down on infected flesh they are now zombie crows, and there are hundreds of

them. In a really cool scene, crossing Hitchcock with an acid dream gone wrong, the

crows attack the vehicles. We want your flesh! Peck, peck, fly into window screen, etc.

This is when Alice shows up and does her super duper power thing and creates a huge

fireball and cooks all the crows. You, go, girl! Way to show up after the darkies are

dead. Well, pimp daddy is still hanging on, but you know his time is running out. It is

only a matter of time before he goes zombie berserker. They head for Las Vegas as the

only place left for gas and supplies, but Evil Umbrella Corporation is tracking her ( from

the disturbances in The Force, okay only kidding- in a detected disturbance from her Psi

Powers ). They fly in a cargo container chock full of Corporate Stoolie Zombies. The

convoy stops, deass the vehicles, zombies burst from the container. I mean, there are a

crap load of these dudes. They must have been stacked three deep. Big firefight, Milla

kick boxing and doing some chop suey stuff with her two Super Machetes, great zombie

slaughtering fun. Most of the convoy dudes are dead, the few left track the corporate suit

as he hauls ass away from the zombie crate ambush. They crash his compound with a

driver going jihad with dynamite ( its okay to suicide bomb if you are Christian ), steal

the chopper and the last convoy dudes and kids go flying off into the sunset towards a

hypothetical safe zone. Again, a bit unrealistic, expecting the gas tank to go from Vegas

to Alaska, but after so much mayhem and destruction you can let it slide. From then on

it’s just underground super zombie hunting action and then a happy ending to the trilogy.

*Genre Rating-very good. Total end of the world with foraging for the only supplies.

*Nudity Rating-pretty damn poor. Just teasing swift glimpses. Disappointing

*Overall Rating- recommended. Much better than its predecessors. A very good

apocalypse flick with minimal fantasy/video game interruptions. Enjoyable for repeated


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