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FROZEN PORCH GNOME

As you may vaguely remember, I used to go all out writing yearly forecasts.  I never claimed they would be that good, as I’m great forecasting events in a general manner but blow absolute rabid monkey testicles on my timing of them.  My secret?  Paranoia and cynicism.  That is all there is to getting your future generalities close enough to matter.  I didn’t quit the new years forecasts because I kept getting them wrong-that was a given from the beginning ( it seems I am too paranoid prior to the collapse and probably too optimistic for after the collapse ).  I stopped for some mostly forgotten reason, but it probably had to do with being disappointed year after year when the collapse STILL hasn’t occurred.  I don’t want it to happen, but the uncertainty and anticipation does work on my nerves and I sometimes wish it would just happen and get over with ( for my new readers, this of course is said with the understanding that the collapse has already started decades ago.  We here in the Bison Brigade like to image a Waterfall Collapse.  Very gently events going downhill at a very slow rate, then suddenly without warning plunging over the falls to your death.  I suppose in this analogy you had best imagine the noise of the falling water has always been loud and deafening and is little help in ascertaining your location ).

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This year I wanted to do something celebrating the introduction of the new calendar year but certainly did NOT want to go back to my failed Yearly Forecast.  I decided to do a variation of the New Years Resolution.  Now, I really dislike the things.  First, you should be improving yourself all year long, not once in awhile.  And second, who the hell wants that kind of pressure?  Any Resolution that is worth half a crap is going to be hard to do and I think it is better to Baby Step it than to jump into the deep end of the pool.  Your success rate is surely much better.  Third, what are most Resolutions?  The wife doesn’t say, “I’d like to offer up more sex”.  The husband certainly will never vow to “give up watching most sports and help with the kids”.  Mostly it is losing weight.  In the middle of winter.  When your body needs the calories ( yes, I understand that nobody exposes their delicate skin to any amount of cold as long as they can help it and this doesn’t apply to most.  But the simple fact is those same people have forgotten this connection and will suffer because of it one day ).

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So let’s just resolve not to be better people, because you are just setting yourself up for failure, and instead resolve that you are going to stop humping around with playing pretend prepper and start really embracing reality.  I’m talking about testing your preps.  Not just the old one everyone knows, the “turn off your electric for the weekend”.  Certainly, that is a good test.  But it is something you should have already done.  Especially in winter.  So let’s ratchet it up a notch.  How about some far more serious tests?  I’d like the honor of dubbing the first one the Frozen Porch Gnome.  If you hunt, this one should be easy for you ( if you use deer blinds ).  Dress in your winter gear and go sit on the porch.  For awhile.  Certainly longer than ten minutes.  Most folks own a down jacket and little else.  That keeps them warm in the cold as they dash from house to car or car to work/store.  They are already overheated, being such pussies they can’t envision temps under 75 in December, and the cold air actually feels invigorating.  Keeping their core warm keeps that feeling going, perhaps even long enough to finish a cigarette outside.

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The problem ( as far as equipment ) isn’t your torso keeping warm, but your extremities.  The fabled head, hands and feet bleeding warmth out.  If you even own warm boots and a hat and gloves, how much good do they do?  Now, I understand you rural minions living in Yankeeland or the far north Midwest are used to working in the cold, such as hauling firewood.  That is another kind of cold weather gear altogether.  You can’t get too hot or you sweat in that cold.  This test is using no exercise.  To demonstrate, when I sat reading or watching TV in the unheated Bison Pit Of Doom, it was typically around fifty degrees in the winter.  I had two wool sweaters on, a pair of wool socks over cotton ones, a terrycloth robe over the sweaters and a wool cap over a cotton one.  And I was comfortable.  When I’m loading the work truck, which is weight lifting exercise, at 35 degrees I’m down to one sweater and not always even a hat ( depending if the sun is out ).  There is a BIG difference.

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Our next test is economic.  I think we can all agree that an economic collapse is far more likely than a nuclear attack or a solar flare.  Anything is possible but you are better off paying attention to the probable.  The 2008 economic tsunami that caused Bush Jr. to utter the only true words of his administration, “this suckers going down”, took all of us by surprise.  Oh, if you were even half sentient you got a really bad vibe that something wicked was coming this way, but you had no idea that derivatives would almost wipe out the world economy ( in hindsight, of course, it couldn’t be more obvious ).  Since then, all the bankers have DOUBLED DOWN on the exact same behavior.  The next time should be the last time.  The problem of course is timing.  So, you know what is coming ( okay, you know it is a huge probability, as nothing is ever certain ).  Have you done your own Stress Test?  Okay, with that tease, we continue next time.

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