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Friday, January 6, 2017

frozen porch gnome 1 of 2


FROZEN PORCH GNOME

As you may vaguely remember, I used to go all out writing yearly forecasts.  I never claimed they would be that good, as I’m great forecasting events in a general manner but blow absolute rabid monkey testicles on my timing of them.  My secret?  Paranoia and cynicism.  That is all there is to getting your future generalities close enough to matter.  I didn’t quit the new years forecasts because I kept getting them wrong-that was a given from the beginning ( it seems I am too paranoid prior to the collapse and probably too optimistic for after the collapse ).  I stopped for some mostly forgotten reason, but it probably had to do with being disappointed year after year when the collapse STILL hasn’t occurred.  I don’t want it to happen, but the uncertainty and anticipation does work on my nerves and I sometimes wish it would just happen and get over with ( for my new readers, this of course is said with the understanding that the collapse has already started decades ago.  We here in the Bison Brigade like to image a Waterfall Collapse.  Very gently events going downhill at a very slow rate, then suddenly without warning plunging over the falls to your death.  I suppose in this analogy you had best imagine the noise of the falling water has always been loud and deafening and is little help in ascertaining your location ).

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This year I wanted to do something celebrating the introduction of the new calendar year but certainly did NOT want to go back to my failed Yearly Forecast.  I decided to do a variation of the New Years Resolution.  Now, I really dislike the things.  First, you should be improving yourself all year long, not once in awhile.  And second, who the hell wants that kind of pressure?  Any Resolution that is worth half a crap is going to be hard to do and I think it is better to Baby Step it than to jump into the deep end of the pool.  Your success rate is surely much better.  Third, what are most Resolutions?  The wife doesn’t say, “I’d like to offer up more sex”.  The husband certainly will never vow to “give up watching most sports and help with the kids”.  Mostly it is losing weight.  In the middle of winter.  When your body needs the calories ( yes, I understand that nobody exposes their delicate skin to any amount of cold as long as they can help it and this doesn’t apply to most.  But the simple fact is those same people have forgotten this connection and will suffer because of it one day ).

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So let’s just resolve not to be better people, because you are just setting yourself up for failure, and instead resolve that you are going to stop humping around with playing pretend prepper and start really embracing reality.  I’m talking about testing your preps.  Not just the old one everyone knows, the “turn off your electric for the weekend”.  Certainly, that is a good test.  But it is something you should have already done.  Especially in winter.  So let’s ratchet it up a notch.  How about some far more serious tests?  I’d like the honor of dubbing the first one the Frozen Porch Gnome.  If you hunt, this one should be easy for you ( if you use deer blinds ).  Dress in your winter gear and go sit on the porch.  For awhile.  Certainly longer than ten minutes.  Most folks own a down jacket and little else.  That keeps them warm in the cold as they dash from house to car or car to work/store.  They are already overheated, being such pussies they can’t envision temps under 75 in December, and the cold air actually feels invigorating.  Keeping their core warm keeps that feeling going, perhaps even long enough to finish a cigarette outside.

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The problem ( as far as equipment ) isn’t your torso keeping warm, but your extremities.  The fabled head, hands and feet bleeding warmth out.  If you even own warm boots and a hat and gloves, how much good do they do?  Now, I understand you rural minions living in Yankeeland or the far north Midwest are used to working in the cold, such as hauling firewood.  That is another kind of cold weather gear altogether.  You can’t get too hot or you sweat in that cold.  This test is using no exercise.  To demonstrate, when I sat reading or watching TV in the unheated Bison Pit Of Doom, it was typically around fifty degrees in the winter.  I had two wool sweaters on, a pair of wool socks over cotton ones, a terrycloth robe over the sweaters and a wool cap over a cotton one.  And I was comfortable.  When I’m loading the work truck, which is weight lifting exercise, at 35 degrees I’m down to one sweater and not always even a hat ( depending if the sun is out ).  There is a BIG difference.

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Our next test is economic.  I think we can all agree that an economic collapse is far more likely than a nuclear attack or a solar flare.  Anything is possible but you are better off paying attention to the probable.  The 2008 economic tsunami that caused Bush Jr. to utter the only true words of his administration, “this suckers going down”, took all of us by surprise.  Oh, if you were even half sentient you got a really bad vibe that something wicked was coming this way, but you had no idea that derivatives would almost wipe out the world economy ( in hindsight, of course, it couldn’t be more obvious ).  Since then, all the bankers have DOUBLED DOWN on the exact same behavior.  The next time should be the last time.  The problem of course is timing.  So, you know what is coming ( okay, you know it is a huge probability, as nothing is ever certain ).  Have you done your own Stress Test?  Okay, with that tease, we continue next time.

END
 
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11 comments:

  1. I like it.
    Up here in the kissing canada northern plains the windchill is a real killer. We work on our land building, improving, etc. until the snow drifts make getting out there and doing anything unfeasible. When working out of the wind but in the sun, you can almost get down to only one or two layers, maybe even removing the mittens in favor of gloves. But when you decide to take a break or end the day due to lack of light @ 4pm, you have to quickly bundle up or move into a heated environment.
    Coats are less important than boots, socks, gloves, mittens, and hats. Seriously, this winter my winter coat is in for repairs so I am just layering an oversized rain jacket, hoodie, and light wool sweater, and am fine - but my feet are in 2 pairs of socks (one wool) and thick dry boots, my hands are in glove liners inside gloves inside the oversized mittens, and I wear 2 layer wool backlava (sp?) style cap wrapped in long wool scarf under the hoodies hood. I am plenty warm this way even sitting mostly still for up to a quarter hour. By a half hour I have to do something, and I can imagine being out for more than an hour not doing significant labor.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just beware everyone is slightly different. Some have feet getting colder, others only need earmuffs rather than hats as long as their torso is toasty, etc. Just experiment with what works best.

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    2. Yep. But start with layering the extremities and work your way toward covering the core. That is the key. That, and layers that can breath, be removed, and don't impede movement too much.

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  2. Lord Bison, perhaps you have time for Kunstler's 2017 prediction. I thought it was a good read..

    http://www.zerohedge.com/news/2017-01-02/2017-when-wheels-finally-come

    RSL..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Here is the link for those not wanting to wait five minutes for a ZH page to load and the video ads to stop larding up:
      http://kunstler.com/clusterfuck-nation/forecast-2017-wheels-finally-come-off/#more-6890'
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      I've always enjoyed Kuntsler's forecasts. This year, he seems to have topped them all. Nothing specific or earth shattering, for those closely following, but for a newbie or a lazy prepper, this years article was all encompassing and inclusive. It did Big Picture VERY well. Recommended.

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    2. I highly recommended everyone on my Facebook page to read this week's cluster fuck nation post.
      Not on individual bothered to acknowledge that they had read it !!!
      Idiots all ! He hit the nail right on he head and drove that sucker home, in my opinion.
      I'm truly believing that people just don't wanna know.
      However I'll keep on trying to convince others of their folly.

      I'm sure that like myself, He is a regular read every week for you too.

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    3. I imagine folks thought process works as such:
      Whenever some dillhole starts blathering in fear about Gore Warming and how We Are All Going To Die Right Now If We Don't Send Money To The Author So He Can Fly Overseas To Participate In A Gore Warming Circle Jerk, I immediately have zero interest in reading his drivel. Now, imagine how us doomers are looked at by normal people. WE become like the Gore Warming warners. We both know we are right, but nobody else shares our convictions.

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  3. Easy challenge for me. It's summer here :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Damn! Ah, do you work at a place with a walk in freezer? :)

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    2. Ha - my last job was working full time in the freezer -29 degrees F

      I liked that job. If anybody gave me grief I'd just have to wait them out because I was in freezer gear and they weren't and were literally freezing to death. When they said their piece and looked like they were about to leave I'd ask a couple of questions to clarify what they wanted - I'm mean

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    3. Were you able to keep the gear? I only ask in case we have an ice age rather than a Gore Warming. Also, you sound like my kind of guy, not suckling at the ass of management.

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