Netflix now has "Resident Evil :Extinction" on its streaming service. Here is my review which appeared in my book of apocalypse movie reviews ( available here ).
*
RESIDENT
EVIL:EXTINCTION
Rated
R, 2007
Milla
Jovovich
Okay,
this is more like it. Not just some gay fan boy comic book masturbation fantasy
with
zombie boobs and firefights with fully automatic weapons, but all that plus a
solid
backdrop
of end of the world. Well, actually, no zombie boobs in this one and Milla is
strangely
modest in this one, showing no nudity. But it was a kick ass post apocalypse
flick.
We still have to go through all the Vast Evil Super Duper Corporation intrigues
and
a little bit of zombie action, but it is still solidly in the post collapse
genre. I’ll skip
all
the first and just concentrate more on the apocalypse aspects.
*
The
few survivors pretty much stay on the move, as it seems zombies can sense them
out
after
a time and move in for some tasty human snacks. Alice ( that’s Milla’s
character,
the
mutated human with super duper powers like psi ability and lots of strength and
dexterity
so she can be the super warrior princess- kind of like Xena but more along the
lines
of a east European fem terrorist instead of an amazon with a sword ) is
puttering
along
on her motorcycle which still runs great on five year old gasoline which might
be
pushing
the realm of possibility, but we are after all talking about the living dead
here so
we
can take those kinds of things with a grain of salt. She gets a distress signal
from a
Salt
Lake City radio station. Help, our poor little children need assistance. Now,
Alice is
still
all super warrior princess wary but she’s also a chick so you know she’s going
to get
soft
and answer. Well, guys would too, but you would think that a super warrior
princess
with
psi powers would do a better job. But then, we learn later that her abilities
are
mutated
at a geometric rate so maybe they just haven’t kicked in yet. Although why it
took
five years…
*
Anyway,
she walks into the building and an ugly old bitch is in a chair holding a baby.
Now,
even without psi powers you could kind of deduce that this fugly bitch is too
old to
pop
a kid and even if it were possible who in the hell would force themselves to
procreate
with
this sow. I mean, sure, people are few and far between and you take what you
can
get
but I’d be beating on the bitch with a two by four trying to abort any fetus.
Imagine
trying
to love something that ugly. Well, it’s a trap and they take her prisoner. She’s
tied
up
and one of the guys tries to get a little too fresh, if you know what I mean,
and Alice
does
a hum dinger of a goal kick on his head and he’s DOA. The others get in a huff
over
this and toss her down a hole into the basement where there are zombie dogs in
cages.
Take a mean ass dog like a Rott and feed him human flesh for breakfast everyday
and
beat him for every lunch, and then after all that get them pissed off and that
doesn’t
come
close to how mad the zombie dogs are. Of course, she gets all medieval on their
asses
and ties them up and anchors them on the floor support beams and they yank the
beams
down and Alice runs up the ramp of the collapsed floor with the dogs in pursuit
and
the zombie canine eats all the redneck cannibals ( there were human bone litter
in the
basement
and why else would they lure her in ) as Alice jumps up to the ceiling rafters
to
stay
out of harms way. Wow, that was a close one!
*
Meanwhile
there is a convoy ( put the pedal to the metal Rubber Ducky, and that’s a big
10-4
) tearing ass around Nevada. You got the big rig hauling a tank full of gas, a
Hummer
command vehicle, school bus full of kids, etc. The commander has the butt
hugger
cargo pants, pony tail hair, sunglasses and military style cap a’la Linda
Hamilton.
But
not as nice of a rack and definitely not as mean and kick ass. Only Milla has
that
look,
she is made to order for female dominance fantasy. There is the two returning
characters
from the last movie, the black pimp dude and the soldier dude. The gas hauler
is
a Texan ( who else? ) that drawls and oozes cowboyness. Some real life rap
bitch
plays
a small part, being pimp boys main squeeze. Of course, early on at a hotel stop
to
search
for gas and food and ammo pimp daddy gets bit by a zombie as they are clearing
out
rooms. Soon afterwards rap bitch gets pecked by hundreds of zombie crows. So,
true
to
Hollywood by-laws, the African-Americans are some of the first to die. Don’t
ask me
how
they allowed him to survive for a sequel.
*
The
convoy is attacked the next morning by all those crows. Since they have been
chowing
down on infected flesh they are now zombie crows, and there are hundreds of
them.
In a really cool scene, crossing Hitchcock with an acid dream gone wrong, the
crows
attack the vehicles. We want your flesh! Peck, peck, fly into window screen,
etc.
This
is when Alice shows up and does her super duper power thing and creates a huge
fireball
and cooks all the crows. You, go, girl! Way to show up after the darkies are
dead.
Well, pimp daddy is still hanging on, but you know his time is running out. It
is
only
a matter of time before he goes zombie berserker. They head for Las Vegas as the
only
place left for gas and supplies, but Evil Umbrella Corporation is tracking her
( from
the
disturbances in The Force, okay only kidding- in a detected disturbance from
her Psi
Powers
). They fly in a cargo container chock full of Corporate Stoolie Zombies. The
convoy
stops, deass the vehicles, zombies burst from the container. I mean, there are
a
crap
load of these dudes. They must have been stacked three deep. Big firefight,
Milla
kick
boxing and doing some chop suey stuff with her two Super Machetes, great zombie
slaughtering
fun. Most of the convoy dudes are dead, the few left track the corporate suit
as
he hauls ass away from the zombie crate ambush. They crash his compound with a
driver
going jihad with dynamite ( its okay to suicide bomb if you are Christian ),
steal
the
chopper and the last convoy dudes and kids go flying off into the sunset
towards a
hypothetical
safe zone. Again, a bit unrealistic, expecting the gas tank to go from Vegas
to
Alaska, but after so much mayhem and destruction you can let it slide. From
then on
it’s
just underground super zombie hunting action and then a happy ending to the
trilogy.
*Genre
Rating-very good. Total end of the world with foraging for the only supplies.
*Nudity
Rating-pretty damn poor. Just teasing swift glimpses. Disappointing
*Overall
Rating- recommended. Much better than its predecessors. A very good
apocalypse
flick with minimal fantasy/video game interruptions. Enjoyable for repeated
viewings.
No comments:
Post a Comment
COMMENTS HAVE BEEN CLOSED