tasting of ass

TASTING OF ASS

There are a very few survivalist truisms that are timeless wisdom and irrefutable.  ‘Ol Remus with his Stay Away From Crowds.  That is so simple and yet so unforgiving without wiggle room.  That means not only must you live outside the city or the suburbs ( which, I mean, Friggin Duh!, how much more obvious must that be with The Knockout Game and ghetto riots and everyday crime and out of control taxes and looming government bankruptcies? ), but commuting there for work or shopping or seeing a country western concert is also the height of folly.  You have been warned by one of the best and if you ignore it you only have yourself to blame when the Other Colors are killing you slowly for Friday Night amusements.

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Then there is Two Is One And One Is None.  If you have a super deluxe ultra snazzy razzle dazzle two grand AR-15 with FLIR scope, by gum you had better have another AR as a back-up.  I don’t even care if it is a $333 lower polymer Piece ‘O Da Crap 21^st Century Mosin-Nagant AR.  At least it is One instead of None.  Well, actually much better would be a $250 single shot 5.56 break open carbine, but if you place importance in the semi-auto’s you would still be better off with the worst possible back-up than no back-up at all.  Do NOT only have one of anything, because as good as it is it becomes less than worthless when it is accidentally broken, is lost, is stolen, or turns out to be a lemon from a Made In ‘Murica company you thought was reputable. 

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Next, and what I want to talk about today, is Store What You Eat, Eat What You Store.  Or is it visa versa.  No matter.  The point is valid and you can’t cheat on it even a little, just like the above two.  Why do you think I make so much fun of freeze dried foods?  Not JUST because they are so expensive.  I overpaid for my junk land, but it was still cheaper than paying rent.  Overpaying for food is still cheaper than starving.  Another big part of my disdain and hatred is the fact that it ain’t really food.  Some items taste right, but the overwhelming majority tastes like crap.  Little chunks of salt flavored artificially.  And that would be okay, I suppose, if you were used to a diet of fast food restaurants and its banjo playing cousin grocery store frozen foods.

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But there is another problem.  Unless you can eat anything, unless you can turn off your taste buds, you don’t eat freeze dried foods every day.  So you are violating the Store What You Eat rule.  We’ve all had a taste of freeze dried, or at least dehydrated.  The military is infamous for serving fake eggs in the field kitchens.  It only tasted good compared to yet another MRE.  Mom might have tried to slip fake milk in on you, if you were poor growing up.  Instant mashed potatoes have ( dis- ) graced many a bachelor dinner plate ( or, more likely, the Better Than Nothing wives cooking produced the slop because just putting out once a month is too much work and she is exhausted come supper ).

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Freeze dried simply doesn’t taste like real food, at least in my experience.  If your mileage varies, good on you.  The package might say “beef balls in gravy”, and you might think beef balls in gravy is the next best thing to Spam and sliced bread, but the freeze dried version doesn’t come close to tasting the same as real cow testicles.   But I’ll lay off of freeze dried.  I think I made my point.  Let’s cover real food, but the wrong food.  We just talked ( I wrote, you got lippy in the comments, we talked ) about how every swinging cheese dingus was all erect nipples and enlarged prostate over rice and beans and I said that, hey, isn’t flour and beans more like what we all are used to eating? 

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And you were like, dude, I just spend a Queen’s Ransom packing up three years worth of rice and beans for the extended family and I was just doing what YouTube told me to do and even though I really hate rice I’m just going to ignore you because it would be way too inconvenient and expensive to change my mind so there ( addendum to that article-I didn’t mention that outside my desert, you must worry about flour soaking up moisture from the air, and hence package it far less casually than I do ).

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This morning, for some unknown reason, I decide to break with decades long tradition and have oatmeal for breakfast rather than my whole wheat toast ( for variety, on occasion it could be whole wheat waffles or pancakes or flatbread or nuke bread ).  This was not the putrid swill of childhood trauma, but oatmeal I actually like, the instant variety with fruit.  I ate one and mysteriously it never hit my stomach, its destination seemingly the same place single socks transport to from the dryer ( another reason to only solar dry, yo ).  So I followed it up with another one and all I felt was twice as hungry as before.  And the heartburn hit me, as a super deluxe bonus.

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I never have heartburn in the morning, as I eat my whole wheat toast and it expands to sponge up the acid ( I’m assuming ).  After that, I can safely start drinking my coffee.  So, not only was this “whole grain” oatmeal not delivering calories, at least not compared to my other whole grain, it was useless against stomach acid ( I’ve formulated a theory that today heartburn is the equivalent of the 1950’s epidemic of ulcers.  A lot of it might just be in ones head.  The acid is real, but the effects might just be psychosomatic.  I never had stomach issues until The Worst Boss In The World Through All Of History took over the Food Bank.  As I said, it is just a theory.  I could be full of feces ).

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Once that heartburn hit, I suddenly had a delayed craving for my wheat toast again.  This confirms that I did the right thing not storing oatmeal past my “stock for the store shortages and PetroDollar death hyperinflation, last stage of the decline prior to collapse grocery store stockpile”.  But it also got me thinking about my bug out bag ( which, yes, I hate on general principle but better to have just in case ).  I only have oatmeal in there for the breakfasts.  I can always just eat Top Ramen, but I think much better would be to add my dehydrated whole wheat bread slices ( better than hardtack, just a lot bulkier ).  Then I can eat oatmeal in addition to rather than Instead Of. 

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I might have another article on The Great Re-Do Of The Bug-Out Bag, as I thought I’d not only refresh all my decade old items from it, but also replace some items as the bag is from a time of innocence and ignorance.  My point today is that even though the food tastes like ass, and you can still choke it down, it might not be a fuel the body will accept.  Plan accordingly.

( .Y. )

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